Saturday, December 21, 2013
I was asked this week to draw a picture of how my brain worked. At first i laughed and smiled and was like "yea, sure, Ill do that..." but then I got to thinking that it in fact is an interesting idea since I still have a shred of artistic ability left after these long years of avoiding drawing. So I started thinking, how does my head work? what would it look like if I described the way thoughts moved around in there and what the hell am I going to do about this. Well there is nothing I can do to make my head stop, well there is but I dont want to drink anymore, but I came up with something that actually describes the inner-workings of the thing between my ears. Imagine looking into a giant bucket and seeing a hundred different very hungry vicious fish all swimming around, splashing, jumping out of the water, and then there is an octopus just swimming along in the circle minding its own business. Everything is so hectic, frantic, busy, fierce, and continuous. I want to be that octopus, not giving a shit about the rest of them, content at doing my own thing and not thinking about the rest. I guess it makes more sense in my head than it does typed out which is funny because it is all in my head.
Whatever, still sober, 227 days today, gotta buy a new bike because my wheels have pissed me off for the last time, weather is amazing, work is great, school is over and I got 5 A's and a B. gym has been kicking my ass, correction I have been kicking the gyms ass and am now up to 156lb's. feels good to look in the mirror and not see a guy who looks like he drinks for a living.
Have a Great Day! do something in this amazing weather, its 3 days from Christmas and 75 degrees, yea enjoy it!
Thursday, November 14, 2013
I am trying to sit here and analyze the situation and what triggered it but nothing is working, I think I just want the thoughts to stop, I want that carefree feeling and I almost thought fora second today that I wanted to be that shithead I used to be. It is too late to call friends and talk to them about it and I don't think I could vocalize it the way I can let it out on here. I really just want to be out of my head, and the thought even just crossed my mind that the bar is still open and last call isn't for another hour but I cant. I have worked too hard to pick up and move, stay sober, go back to school, start a new job, deal with not having a car, and grow up and be a man about the money I owe and the people that I have hurt in my past. I like who I am now which I could not say truthfully 190 days ago. I think my family is finally proud of the path I am on, and I think Kari would be proud of the path I am walking.
When friends or family would say something about my drinking and that I might be an alcoholic I would laugh it off and tell a joke. "whats the difference between and alcoholic and a drunk? an alcoholic goes to meetings." I thought about that a lot this week for some reason as well and I realized how it sounded to a sober person or anyone who has found help through meetings. I realized that it was not a joke at all but I was lying to myself about how bad my problem was. I don't think there are many people who know how bad of a problem I have with drinking, and I think even fewer people know how difficult it is for me to abstain from it, I think my family is in there least of all because I hide so much of the struggle from them to keep this image up and to not seem weak. If you know me at all you know that I loath asking for help, I think it is the biggest sign of weakness and that I am smart enough, or tough enough, or strong enough to figure out how to reach my goals on my own. I have had to break down and ask for help this year more so in the last 6 months that I have been sober than anytime that I can remember and I have not expressed how grateful I am for everything. I fear rejection, disappointing people who care or believe in me, failing, and falling without anyone to help me up. Yes, it is odd that I put that last fear in there when I despise asking for any help at all but I am afraid that the next time I "fall" no one will believe in me anymore, I will be rejected, and most of all I will disappoint anyone and everyone who cares about me.
I apologize that this post is not positive and I have been thinking that the whole time that I have been writing it but there is only one positive spin that I can put on this whole post. Which is that even though I would like to be out of my mind, on the floor, belligerent right now, that I am at home, just cooked dinner(yes its late but I work night shifts), about to shower and go to bed so that I can wake up for class tomorrow, but most of all that I am sober for yet another day and that is good enough for me to feel positive about. Goodnight folks.
Monday, November 11, 2013
Friday, November 8, 2013
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
Since my last post I've been hearing a lot about impressing people especially at work because we were supposed to have regional come in and look at the store but also just in life in general it has come up a lot or maybe just in my head. Either way it has given me some time to think about why we think we need to act different to impress certain people..I don't think I ever have to work to impress someone because if you're going out of your to do it than they are not really meeting you or seeing what you are capable of on an everyday basis. I would rather someone be impressed with the work I do everyday which is usually above and beyond expectations. It all kind of falls back to bring honest, I would much rather someone be upset with me because I was honest than hurt because I lied to improve my image. I'm a business major and have worked enough jobs to know that you have to bend truths a little when it come to select things. Most people just think you're an ass for being honest about everything but that leads into self image and how people see you. Yes sometimes you need to fake a few things to better your position and move up at a job but even then they are not seeing the real you. Let me take this full circle and revert back to PMA, stay true, be honest with yourself and others, and be a grown up. If you need up, well fess up, and guess what? It's something you can learn from.
I didn't ride a lot this week, not because of the cold, but because my back has been really tight. Rode to school today and it feels a little better so I'm thinking I need to stretch properly after riding. Went on a decently long hike last Wednesday when class was canceled. We did the rip rap loop but started from the south end so that we hit the view point a little over halfway so we could have something to look at while eating. In all its was a great hike and we had a lot of fun, got the 10 mile loop done in under 3 hours. Made French onion soup for the first time the night before that, it came out great but I was more surprised that I hadn't made it before in all my years cooking. Tonight I'm going to the northface talk at the Jefferson theater, it is a climber talking so it should be a good one! Hopefully. I'm going to feel bad if I drag Celina to this thing and it's boring and sucks. Hope she's okay with me putting her name in this.
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
That being said this last week has been great, 2 classes have been canceled in 2 days out of 5 classes. That gives me more time to finish the homework and study since tests are coming up, one class ended Monday which leaves me more time but after this math class ends at the end of the month Ill have a few hours break in-between classes on Mondays where it wont be worth leaving school just to ride my bike back up that hill. Work has been great, it is nice to have something to look forward to that I get paid to do and that I get to help people with ideas to cook, which I love to do. Oh and hockey is back on so I really have nothing to complain about besides every bar having football on tv instead of hockey. I would rather watch the Caps play the RedWings than watch football, which is saying a lot being a Pens fan.
I have to say though the worst part about this whole move (which isn't really that bad haha) is that I am in school, work, or in my room studying when it is SO nice outside this time of year! On top of that I have to live vicariously through my dad while he goes backpacking and all I get is the update on how fun it was. I don't have any of my camping gear here so I cant take a weekend trip even if I request off of work. However I might have a few plans in the books to take a dayhike this weekend and a day off in the first week of November to get a 10+ circuit hike in which should be really fun. It has been so long since I've taken a decent hike, so you can imagine the excitement if you know how much I love this stuff. I need to go be a park ranger or something haha something where I can be outside everyday and have enough free time to take the trips that I feel I am missing out on.
Saturday, October 19, 2013
I have not met too many girls worth their weight in beer cans since I have moved here, well really for the last 3 years since I've been single. I guess I cant really count the 2 straight years that I spent drunk because I'm pretty sure I chased away more than I caught. That's besides the point though, my last post I went on and on about girls now-a-days and the difficulties of dating in this day and age specifically due to technology and social networking. This may be premature but I might of found one worth the time to give a look at. Its been so long since I've found someone who actually stimulates my mind enough to want to be around that I feel like Johnny Depp in Cry-Baby when Uncle Belvidere revials his motorcycle and he starts it up. Don't worry I'll insert a clip so you can enjoy the moment also.
Saturday, October 5, 2013
I'm going to say this even though my parents and my grandpa read this. Before I quit drinking it was so much easier to pick up girls just like every other guy at the bar. Bourbon makes me louder, more social, and more outgoing. True, these girls probably were not up to my standards sober and vice versa maybe. Also I have Drastically reduced my chances of meeting girls at bars to zero when I have eliminated bars from my most frequented stops on the way home from work. Screw that though! Why would I want to even entertain someone who believes that spending most of a days work at a sticky bar where you have to throw a few bows just to get a beer and a shot.
I have been single for 3 years come March. I've dated a few girls, nothing longer than a month or 2 in that lapse of time but all the younger girls were ridiculously immature and clingy and all the older ones were even more clingy once they developed feelings. Iv'e been that guy that has pushed too hard before but Iv'e never seen something quite as bad as the last few women I dated. I have only a few select hours of free time that I allow myself to leave unscheduled every week. Between 30-34 hours of work a week, about 45 hours a week for school work, about 12 hours riding bikes, 56 hours sleeping, I don't have time for the bullshit that comes with dating, I just want to be able to have an intellectual conversation with a female human being that I find attractive. I don't want to baby sit you while your'e drunk or blitzed out of your mind. I don't even want to be around you if you are high, I'm cool if you use drugs, do what you want. I don't judge too hard but nothing is more unattractive than a female with no worldly experience and even less one that has no opinions of their own. Have an Opinion! I don't care if it doesn't agree with what I believe in but it gives us something worth a shit to talk about other than the coffee in front of us, school, or work. The last thing I want to talk about is school and work. I work my ass of while i'm at work, and I study my ass off when I am at my desk. Give me a Break! Give me something to look forward to, make me want to be around you for another reason than a physical attraction, because if whats between your legs is all you have to offer I don't want be in your company. Prove to me that there is something between your ears that has a shred of debate and argument in there.
I'm done now. Sorry if that was worthless to read but I had to get some thoughts out and voice my opinion on some blights of our society.
Funny story real fast though. So I started work a week ago, Finally! Well I met all of my co-workers except for one. I met her on Thursday though, She seemed quiet and nice at first. I always give people the benefit of the doubt and learn something about them before I decide if I like them as a person or not. Alright well I'm helping customers and slinging fish like a champ (oh I moved to Seafood fyi) and when it dies down a little bit it comes up that I don't drink. First thing to come out of this girls mouth is "How can you have that many tattoos and not drink?" Jaw dropped, I walk away. Later she asks me "So if you don't drink and don't do drugs what do you do for fun?." I'm flabbergasted at this point, Then I learn she has a kid! I'm not judging young parents or anything like that but put the jigsaw together here... has a kid + does not know how to have a good time without being one or multiple of drunk, high, blitzed, rolling, tripping, spun, cranked, shitfaced, or shithammered = What are this girls Parenting skills like???
Now I'm done, hope I got some opinions flowing in your head and stirred up some feelings ( anger, laughter, understanding) or gave you a reason to comment and bitch me out.
Thursday, September 26, 2013
Phone broke this weekend, just the touch screen though, I can still see whats on it and that I have messages and calls but I can not do anything about it. Since I haven't been working for over 2 months now I don't have the Bones to go buy a new smart phone unless my old roommate sends me the money he owes me. He isn't the most advanced specimen of the human race so asking him to use paypal to send me my money if like asking a 4 year old the volume of a sphere. However I am going to start working this week, FINALLY, all weekend. Just to know there is money on the way is satisfying enough, even thought I should probably put in my paid time off just for a security blanket, oh, and for all the shit I have to pay for. My life is like a small sail boat, when things are going well and the wind is in my sail everything is great but recently it seems like iv'e been sprouting holes in my hull and money is the only thing that will plug it. Well I am out of money, have been for a minute now, and I am going insane because of it. Iv'e been working full time and supporting myself for a while now and now agreed to go back to school and drop down to part time to accommodate the time I will need for class and studying. I guess I am just not used to being this broke.
Enough whiny college student bullshit, weather has been great for riding lately. Went to class this morning and took my final for a math class that had to of been the easiest test Iv'e taken and no where close to as hard as the homework. Rode the bmx bike out there without my backpack so that I could go through town and have some fun afterwords on campus and check out the locations of the local tattoo shops. Ever since I was hit by the car this time I have been extremely paranoid of the Coffin drivers and how poorly they pay attention to what is around them. I have been hit by cars before in various ways and never had this sense of mistrust towards fellow human beings, but when they're driving 2 ton anvils I guess I should always mistrust their judgement and sense of awareness. This town is a hugely bike friendly place in certain areas, others are a deathtrap of speeding cars and ineffective individuals paying more close attention to their phone than to the unprotected, fully exposed living thing on 2 wheels less that 2 feet from their passenger door. Which if you did not know the law in VA for passing a bicycle is 2 feet which is extremely uncomfortable if you have ever had a car fly past you at 55 while you're sweating through your shirt climbing up a hill. Recently I have been able to reach out and touch some of the cars that have been passing me, which is way too close, even though I have a 6'7" arm span.
Thursday, September 19, 2013
Let me get back to my week, Tuesday I got out of class and had to go to a meeting with the store manager at my job. I wasn't exactly nervous, just curious as to what information he needed from me to allow my transfer from another store to process and further more clear me to start working. Well, it seemed that all he wanted to do was bring up things that I had taken the blame for when they were not entirely my fault, worst of all it was over a year ago that these isolated events occurred but they were already expunged from my work record. I leave my meeting after proving all of his doubts to be feeble in an extremely sour mood, I just could not understand how he thought he had the right to question those things. On top of that question my ability to do my job when most of the time I do at least 2 other peoples jobs as well. water under the bridge now, so I left mad which is rare for me recently and knew I needed to go blow off some steam and ride my bike. I get home, change, grab my 20" BMX and start peddling as fast as I can towards anything that I could jump over or off.
This was working, I was feeling so much better, so much like nothing could hurt me and that my mind was clear. However I stayed out later than expected and it got dark. I was not far from home, maybe a little more than a mile, so I start on my way home with Brody from the Distillers screaming out of my earbuds. I am on the sidewalk coming around a turn, hop of the curb, and start heading for the intersection ahead of me. Yes, I checked over my should to make sure there was no traffic. Well the woman in the car at the stop sign on the street to right of me didn't, or she did not see me (I'm going with the later). Luckily she was probably going about 10 mph, yes rolling through the stop sign, when she hit me.
I go rolling, she comes to an abrupt halt, bike goes flying. Only thought going through my head is the famous family curse "SHIT," so I get up, pick up my bike, and toss it as far as my skinny arms will allow me to. Brody is still in my ear, I cant feel any pain, the woman in the car is hollering at me but all I can see is her mouth moving. I rip out my now almost torn earbuds, and ask her if she even saw the stop sign, I am screaming, she's crying telling me she is sick, and exhausted and got called back into work. I'm not exactly screaming anymore at this point but I started to feel like a parent when their kids gets their first driving infraction. Also the is balling her eyes out and I could not keep putting her down about why she was even driving if she was sick and exhausted and obviously not alert enough. So she gives me a ride home, I get her phone number, not for insurance purposes but because she is going to make me dinner. Bike is fine, I am fine except for a could minor patches of road rash and a bruised hip and shoulder, this pour girl is still texting me to make sure I am okay, and I'm not mad about it. What can I say, she was cute, even crying.
Wake up the next morning more sore than I have ever been in my life and walking with a gait in my step. Popped some ibuprofin, ate breakfast, and got on my road bike to be on my way to school. I make it to the same intersection that I got hit at the night before and my bike decides to throw 2 rear spokes on the drive side close enough together that my wheel locks up. 45 minutes till class. Change shoes, pick up bike, start walking home. I get home, change my shoes, dump the extra stuff out of my backpack that I do not need and run out the door with my BMX that I was hit on the night before with 25 minutes till class. This is what we call pure desperation if you knew how short the elevation change is at PVCC from rt20. Made it to class 5 minutes early, which means I made it to the school in the same time it takes me on my road bike. I couldn't fix my spokes last night so I had to do it again today at 8:30 this morning. Funny thing is that even sitting here typing this when my body is bruised, bloody, and exhausted I still really only want to ride.
Monday, September 16, 2013
The reason I forgot that I was out of my precious oatmeal was because on Thursday night I made my way back to Richmond for the weekend to take care of a couple things and relax. Got home Thursday and spent some time catching up with my parents, spoiling my dog with scratches, and of course raiding their fridge to make a giant late night snack/2nd dinner. Woke up early Friday morning to get down to the city and walked around till my really good friend got off work, then rode bikes around with him for an hour or two while the sun went down since I did not bring mine back from Cville. That night we had made plans to go to a cookout at my former bosses house, well he was planning on going and after hearing that she was having a cookout I decided that I would pop in and say hello to everyone from work that I had not seen in a few months. I have not laughed that much in a few months and the hospitality was amazing, so was the food but that wouldn't need to be said if you know the couple who was throwing the cookout.
Saturday morning is what I had been looking forward to since Thursday night. After deciding to retreat to Richmond for the weekend I received a call from my friend (different one than the one listed above) that I used to run a Moped shop with that he was clearing out the shop and I needed to come and get my stuff out of it. Well I had been trying to get my bike and things out of the shop for months now but he just had a little girl and was starting a new job so I gave him a little slack on not being able to let me in the shop. When I say shop, what I mean is a garage he rented from a former neighbor of his that he only had a key to, not the smartest business plan on my part to leave my valuables in a place where I had no access to them. However, I got my things and headed back to my parents house. I spent all day Saturday tearing my 80's Puch Maxi apart, rewiring it, and trying to solve the problems it was having. This is what I love to do though, and mopeds are just beyond fun, but what they say is true. Mopeds Mo-problems.
Back in Cville now, out of oatmeal, have a few more bits of homework left to complete, but after the amazing weekend I had I am more than happy to be slammed with a little bit of work for a few hours.
Thursday, September 5, 2013
I am the kind of person that can not sit down and not do anything, I need to be wrenching on something or putting a build list together to at least keep me sane and focused. I've finally got time to do this because I made sure to power though a lot of my school work, as well as getting a quiz and a test out of the way. Got a 95 on one and a 100 on math which is amazing because I had to reteach myself algebra, which I was never really good at, In one night when it took me 2 years to learn the stuff originally and 6 years to forget it all.
Monday, September 2, 2013
Sitting in the hallway at school waiting for economics to start, still sweating from the ride here but feeling really good about it. Made it here 2 gears lower and 5 minutes faster than last week, 20% increase is pretty good after just a week of consistently commuting to school. Got to get away this weekend as well though, met the family out in pearisburg at woodshole to enjoy the mountains and a few short day hikes. It would be nice to be able to do things like that every few weekends but with both work and school it seems like those kind of getaways are going to before more and more rare. On an awesome note though I stopped at a goodwill on my way out of town Friday and found a flannel lined jean jacket to make another vest for 3 bucks... On top of all of that I think I am finally gaining weight back and actually had to move up a belt size. Being a skinny guy with a bottomless pit of a stomach its nice to finally see some improvement and results from sch a short amount of time spent back in the saddle. This is my first post from my tablet so I really didn't have shit to as, just wanted to see how it worked, glad I could waste a few minutes of your busy life with my boring ranting haha
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Today was the first day I had to commute in the rain here though, was not a downpour or anything when I left around 1 pm but was still wet when i made it to school. The water is not what makes it uncomfortable to ride in the rain, it is the wet roads, the speed daemon in your legs telling you to pedal faster and not stop, and then the voice of reason in the back of your head reminding you to slow down, give yourself room for braking. Of course I wore a white shirt under my rain jacket and didnt remember about the cast off the rear wheel was spraying all over my ass and lower back. I have been able to tell a difference in myself more and more as time goes on since I quit drinking and started working out more. First it was my mind and energy levels, then standing up straight again, now I actually feel stronger and more alert.
Oh, but I did get caught in a torrential downpour when I got back from class and decided to go for a walk and grab a bite to eat. It was not bad while walking there (only about 8 blocks) but on the way back I got hit by a little heavier rain and then it just started coming down. Really felt like a kid walking in the rain laughing my ass off each time it started raining harder. Just my luck as soon as I get home and change it stops raining haha.
Sunday, August 25, 2013
Saturday, August 24, 2013
I find this funny most of the time but from time to time the looks start to pierce the skin when I look around and realize a few things about the rest of my family. All of them college grads, all immediate family is in a fraternity/sorority, and most of all none of them wear clothing that says "die yuppie scum" on the back or a Black Flag Slip It In shirt with a nun holding onto a naked mans leg. Dont get me wrong my parents and brother are no where to to squares or preppy rich kids, but it makes me think how I turned out to be the tattooed, pierced, obscenely angry person who is actually related to these collar shirt, khaki, and boat shoe wearing parents.
Riding my bike gives me a whole lot of time to think about nothing but thats infront of me, but it also gives me time to think about simple things. Things like my dad being in boston for a few years in the very early 80s and what punk and hardcore bands he had seen without even knowing that they were big in my life. The fact that I wouldnt be riding a bike if it was not for him being a mechanic, or forcing my parents to teach me to ride a bike at 3 then my brother was learning at 5 because I didnt want to be left out. Put that in a big mixing bowl with the mindset and stubbornness I got from my mother and it seems after you bake it that I am whats is the finish product when that oven buzzer tells you its done. I dont think I would be anywhere close to who I am without my brother. I've learned that those early fights and bickering are really only to prepare you for life and people more hardheaded than myself.
I dont mean to sit here and say "appreciate your family while you can" because that should be an understood fact of life. Before this year and recent events I never took that as seriously as I should of and didnt understand how similar we all were. Dad is always that one person I can express mechanical frustration to and ask for help from but dont expect him to give too much of an opinion willingly, kinda gotta pry that out but when he does give it willingly man it worth hearing. Mom is one of the hardest workers I have ever know, fights for whatever she wants relentlessly(within reason), and I can see where she gets it from looking at her parents and family. I am not going to delve into the relationship with my grandfather because I would like to save that for a separate post. He is though the one person I can always call, never judges, and is always in my corner wiping of my gloves and shoving me back out there when I can barely stand because he knows I can do it. It is tough to write about my brother because he is a huge part of my life but also very distant and even harder to crack than my father. You wouldnt even think we were brothers standing next to eachother but once we get talking and laughing you can tell that we are close and have more in common than not.
This isnt a post to tell you to go embrace your family and make every memory happy because we all know that sometimes that is not possible. As long as I can make my family happy and proud the rest of the world could very well not exist. It all comes back to sitting at dinner with my family and singing that song in my head as I look around. None of that seems to matter when I start laughing with them and remember that no matter what is on or in my skin these people are mine, no one else will every have the relationship that I have with them. No matter who my brother marries, no matter how many suburban soccor moms and their family walk by and pull their kids away as I make loud and probably inappropriate jokes that my family has become accustomed to with me and seem to snicker at. No matter how annoying they could get they are mine.
Friday, August 23, 2013
One of those things that "brings out the truth in people."
It makes some vile, some more likable or sociable, some it just makes relax.
It can ruin lives as well as strengthen or weld bonds.
It can help celebrate, save some use it to help mourn.
Can get you into more trouble than it is worth, or more fun than you have ever thought possible.
Could be that One "friend" who always is in your corner when no one fights for you.
It can be a crutch, a wheelchair, a chambermaid, or refreshment.
Missing it makes you feel as empty as a bed with missing spouse to warm it.
Without it nothing seems to feel like you are doing it right.
Normal life does not feel so normal anymore.
That haze it gives is welcomed with open arms and embraced as an old friend.
That touch could also be the embrace of death for this one or others.
Without it one only has themselves to be truthful with.
Stuck with everything trapped inside to dwell on constantly.
Finding that that "haze" was only a drug induced coma.
That there is more to live for than this easily purchased excuse to escape.
Learning the value of what is beneath your feet as well as the 6 feet above them.
Learning that sustenance can come from things that are not false advertisers of it.
Propelling something inside to move forward as if your chest had suddenly been filled with stone about to topple.
When you've learned to walk you notice its easier than before.
That you haven't forgotten to ride a bike and that you only need to lube the chain.
It all makes sense once the gears are cleaned of the old factory grease and brought back with fresh new beginnings.