I found myself tonight really wanting to find the bottle of a bottle. It was not that today was a hard day or anything just the I have a whole lot of things wound up in my head that I don't even know where to start unraveling it. I've got some family things in there somewhere that I want to bring up but I am afraid of who they might hurt if I ask, I've got concerns for one of my best friends who called me tonight (post wanting to getting drunk) after I got off of work. I decided not to get a bottle, and now its 12:04 so beer is out of the question even if it was an option. Beer does not seem like it would do it for me like a bottle of whiskey would. I think its the fact that I know I can not allow myself to drink that makes me want to, maybe some of that rebellious streak still kickin somewhere in me, who knows. I know that it would only help for the moment but that seems like a huge reward to me at the moment. I guess I just find myself asking the question of why not? and also the question of why? Why can so many people control their drinking and not slip into a hole that no one wants to help you out of because you've dug yourself down so far? Why not just say fuck it and go get a bottle and forget about life for a night? These thoughts never really crossed my mind when I had a milestone to reach, that 6 months was a huge step for me in the best direction I've been in for years and I guess this is when AA is really going to help me.
I am trying to sit here and analyze the situation and what triggered it but nothing is working, I think I just want the thoughts to stop, I want that carefree feeling and I almost thought fora second today that I wanted to be that shithead I used to be. It is too late to call friends and talk to them about it and I don't think I could vocalize it the way I can let it out on here. I really just want to be out of my head, and the thought even just crossed my mind that the bar is still open and last call isn't for another hour but I cant. I have worked too hard to pick up and move, stay sober, go back to school, start a new job, deal with not having a car, and grow up and be a man about the money I owe and the people that I have hurt in my past. I like who I am now which I could not say truthfully 190 days ago. I think my family is finally proud of the path I am on, and I think Kari would be proud of the path I am walking.
When friends or family would say something about my drinking and that I might be an alcoholic I would laugh it off and tell a joke. "whats the difference between and alcoholic and a drunk? an alcoholic goes to meetings." I thought about that a lot this week for some reason as well and I realized how it sounded to a sober person or anyone who has found help through meetings. I realized that it was not a joke at all but I was lying to myself about how bad my problem was. I don't think there are many people who know how bad of a problem I have with drinking, and I think even fewer people know how difficult it is for me to abstain from it, I think my family is in there least of all because I hide so much of the struggle from them to keep this image up and to not seem weak. If you know me at all you know that I loath asking for help, I think it is the biggest sign of weakness and that I am smart enough, or tough enough, or strong enough to figure out how to reach my goals on my own. I have had to break down and ask for help this year more so in the last 6 months that I have been sober than anytime that I can remember and I have not expressed how grateful I am for everything. I fear rejection, disappointing people who care or believe in me, failing, and falling without anyone to help me up. Yes, it is odd that I put that last fear in there when I despise asking for any help at all but I am afraid that the next time I "fall" no one will believe in me anymore, I will be rejected, and most of all I will disappoint anyone and everyone who cares about me.
I apologize that this post is not positive and I have been thinking that the whole time that I have been writing it but there is only one positive spin that I can put on this whole post. Which is that even though I would like to be out of my mind, on the floor, belligerent right now, that I am at home, just cooked dinner(yes its late but I work night shifts), about to shower and go to bed so that I can wake up for class tomorrow, but most of all that I am sober for yet another day and that is good enough for me to feel positive about. Goodnight folks.
Thursday, November 14, 2013
Monday, November 11, 2013
My parents came down to help me celebrate my achievement of being sober for 6 months on Saturday. Turned out to be better than expected, we picked a random hike at Dobie mountain, just off the blue ridge parkway up from Rockfish Gap, which was a beautiful hike. It really reinforces what I am doing out here to have them come and be supportive and show how happy they are of the path that I am on. Take a day and do this hike though, It has a slight uphill at the end to get to the top of the mountain and we extended the hike some to have lunch at a gorgeous shelter along the AT that was one of the brightest shelters I've seen with 2 huge Plexiglas windows in the rear. Great views, great weather, Colors of the leaves were still amazing, and fantastic company always helps.
I hope my mom likes this picture, hehe.
Did not ride the bike to school today because I went to the gym yesterday and might of worked a little too hard, but being sore is not a bad thing. but sitting at school for 7 hours in between classes might just drive me insane for the next 4 weeks. I thought it would give me a chance to get ahead in homework but it seems that I can not remote connect to the computer I need back in Richmond because of the network here at school. man, that might mean that I have to go to the library....
Getting back to the gym has also been a high priority for me since I am no longer drinking I have had to find other methods to make myself tired enough to fall asleep. Started going to a climbing gym (I think I've already mentioned this) that has a pretty decent weight room as well. Now I'm not a huge fan of lifting weights because I feel like there has to be a way to do the same maneuvers in the real world but I had been finding my strength lacking lately. Which is not too surprising to me because the only exercise I had been getting for the last 2 years was lifting a bottle of whiskey to my lips. After moving to Charlottesville and riding more though I started to notice muscles that weren't there before and it has made me want to become more fit.
I am extremely glad that I had a milestone to reach this week though, I do not know if it was the cold weather or having watched Flight with Denzel Washington but whiskey has crossed my mind a couple times. It's funny though because when I think of drinking I can still taste whiskey. I find myself asking questions in my head about if I Want to drink or if i will ever drink again and there has been some doubt which I really dislike. I think that the urge to drink will always be there, but I believe that the key is to have the willpower to put it together that I have worked so hard to stay sober and to know that as soon as I take one drink all of my thinking patterns will be shifted and I wont stop. I don't know if I am "afraid" to drink again, I think its more of knowing that I can not let myself get back to the way that I was and the best way I know how to do that is to abstain from having anything to drink. I am mentally strong enough to know that I cant, I mean I am able to go to the bar or to a party and not drink, most alcoholics cant even think about doing something that enticing without being tempted at all. Being sober for this long is one of the best things I have ever done in my life, I would not of made the moves to be where I am right now if I had not put it down. It has made me think though, why am I like this? The say that it runs in your family and that with alcoholic parents your'e pretty much guaranteed to be one but neither of my parents are alcoholics and no family members of mine are either. Haha I guess I got "Lucky." I feel more lucky to have figured it out this early in life and been smart enough to correct the problem instead of chalking it up to being young and saying everyone goes through that stage.
Enough about me, Have a Great Day! It is gorgeous outside!
Friday, November 8, 2013
I am going to make this one short because I cant think straight with my foot in an icebath but I have been happy all day and celebrating. It has been a really long time and I am beyond proud of myself for what I have done and that I was able to do it.
Today I have been Sober for 6 months!
If you would of asked me 7 months ago if I thought I could go 2 days without a drink I would of told you no. It has been one of the hardest things I have ever done but luckily I have the best support team in the world! So today at work I bought a 6-pack of root beer and we had a brew party at work and a friend of mine and I shotgunned a root beer just for shits and giggles and I still did it faster than everyone haha. Going on a hike tomorrow with my parents to celebrate as well, Thank you all for being supportive!
Keep That PMA!