Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Rain or Shine shit still has to get done.

            Well with my first week back at school coming to an end it is feeling like this semester will not be so bad. Remembering study habits and keeping a good sleep and nutrition schedule are really the only things to worry about. Working at and getting a discount at a grocery store helps with the nutrition, there is really nothing to worry about when it comes to being active seeing as I commute to school on a bike everyday. If you know Charlottesville you know the hill leading up to PVCC, but its getting easier everyday not that it was every too huge of a challenge. I am glad this first week is done with though because the first day in these classes is worse that high school "Please introduce yourself with the name that you prefer to be called and tell the class something about yourself." I think everyone in my classes understands I like bikes now tho...

           Today was the first day I had to commute in the rain here though, was not a downpour or anything when I left around 1 pm but was still wet when i made it to school. The water is not what makes it uncomfortable to ride in the rain, it is the wet roads, the speed daemon in your legs telling you to pedal faster and not stop, and then the voice of reason in the back of your head reminding you to slow down, give yourself room for braking. Of course I wore a white shirt under my rain jacket and didnt remember about the cast off the rear wheel was spraying all over my ass and lower back. I have been able to tell a difference in myself more and more as time goes on since I quit drinking and started working out more. First it was my mind and energy levels, then standing up straight again, now I actually feel stronger and more alert.

         Oh, but I did get caught in a torrential downpour when I got back from class and decided to go for a walk and grab a bite to eat. It was not bad while walking there (only about 8 blocks) but on the way back I got hit by a little heavier rain and then it just started coming down. Really felt like a kid walking in the rain laughing my ass off each time it started raining harder. Just my luck as soon as I get home and change it stops raining haha.

Sunday, August 25, 2013

Back to school, Back to school

                      Well school starts tomorrow, going back is a little weird. Most of the people I will be in classes with were not even in high school when I graduated but from my stand point that is not an advantage. Sure I have more worldly experience and know what I am there for and that I am not looking to just sit in the class and wait to go home and drink or hang out with friends. Living in a new city is strange because, well this is the first time I have relocated myself to start over. I have one friend here that I am in contact with but she seems to be more preoccupied with work and other things. Not the worst thing I have experienced in my life by any stretch of the imagination. I guess some of the reasons that school did not work to well for me the last few times that I went was that it was so easy to skip and go hang out with friends or just stay in bed with my girlfriend at the time. I think I just lacked a the maturity to focus on something that would actually help me in my future instead of what was right in front of me. Later found out what was right in front of me was a huge opportunity and a whole lot of people that would let me down who were my "friends." I guess you have to be dumb and young at some point, well that part of my life is done. Now I am in no means saying that I will never do dumb things again because, well I like doing them. The things I consider dumb are exponentially more intelligent than the things I have been doing for the last 2 years, but I guess I get to hold on to a few of those things that I've learned to treasure doing.

Saturday, August 24, 2013

Family First

        I've come to notice more recently, especially in public, that when I am with my family it is like someone is playing this song in the background and I am the big bowl of bird seed

             I find this funny most of the time but from time to time the looks start to pierce the skin when I look around and realize a few things about the rest of my family. All of them college grads, all immediate family is in a fraternity/sorority, and most of all none of them wear clothing that says "die yuppie scum" on the back or a Black Flag Slip It In shirt with a nun holding onto a naked mans leg. Dont get me wrong my parents and brother are no where to to squares or preppy rich kids, but it makes me think how I turned out to be the tattooed, pierced, obscenely angry person who is actually related to these collar shirt, khaki, and boat shoe wearing parents.

             Riding my bike gives me a whole lot of time to think about nothing but thats infront of me, but it also gives me time to think about simple things. Things like my dad being in boston for a few years in the very early 80s and what punk and hardcore bands he had seen without even knowing that they were big in my life. The fact that I wouldnt be riding a bike if it was not for him being a mechanic, or forcing my parents to teach me to ride a bike at 3 then my brother was learning at 5 because I didnt want to be left out. Put that in a big mixing bowl with the mindset and stubbornness I got from my mother and it seems after you bake it that I am whats is the finish product when that oven buzzer tells you its done. I dont think I would be anywhere close to who I am without my brother. I've learned that those early fights and bickering are really only to prepare you for life and people more hardheaded than myself.

           I dont mean to sit here and say "appreciate your family while you can" because that should be an understood fact of life. Before this year and recent events I never took that as seriously as I should of and didnt understand how similar we all were. Dad is always that one person I can express mechanical frustration to and ask for help from but dont expect him to give too much of an opinion willingly, kinda gotta pry that out but when he does give it willingly man it worth hearing. Mom is one of the hardest workers I have ever know, fights for whatever she wants relentlessly(within reason), and I can see where she gets it from looking at her parents and family. I am not going to delve into the relationship with my grandfather because I would like to save that for a separate post. He is though the one person I can always call, never judges, and is always in my corner wiping of my gloves and shoving me back out there when I can barely stand because he knows I can do it. It is tough to write about my brother because he is a huge part of my life but also very distant and even harder to crack than my father. You wouldnt even think we were brothers standing next to eachother but once we get talking and laughing you can tell that we are close and have more in common than not.

        This isnt a post to tell you to go embrace your family and make every memory happy because we all know that sometimes that is not possible. As long as I can make my family happy and proud the rest of the world could very well not exist. It all comes back to sitting at dinner with my family and singing that song in my head as I look around. None of that seems to matter when I start laughing with them and remember that no  matter what is on or in my skin these people are mine, no one else will every have the relationship that I have with them. No matter who my brother marries, no matter how many suburban soccor moms and their family walk by and pull their kids away as I make loud and probably inappropriate jokes that my family has become accustomed to with me and seem to snicker at. No matter how annoying they could get they are mine.

Friday, August 23, 2013

From grinding my gears and burning my bridges to forging new teeth and mending with stone.

           It seems to be something that not everyone can handle.
One of those things that "brings out the truth in people."
It makes some vile, some more likable or sociable, some it just makes relax.
It can ruin lives as well as strengthen or weld bonds.
It can help celebrate, save some use it to help mourn.
Can get you into more trouble than it is worth, or more fun than you have ever thought possible.
Could be that One "friend" who always is in your corner when no one fights for you.
It can be a crutch, a wheelchair, a chambermaid, or refreshment.

           Missing it makes you feel as empty as a bed with missing spouse to warm it.
Without it nothing seems to feel like you are doing it right.
Normal life does not feel so normal anymore.
That haze it gives is welcomed with open arms and embraced as an old friend.
That touch could also be the embrace of death for this one or others.

          Without it one only has themselves to be truthful with.
Stuck with everything trapped inside to dwell on constantly.
Finding that that "haze" was only a drug induced coma.
That there is more to live for than this easily purchased excuse to escape.
Learning the value of what is beneath your feet as well as the 6 feet above them.
Learning that sustenance can come from things that are not false advertisers of it.
Propelling something inside to move forward as if your chest had suddenly been filled with stone about to topple.
When you've learned to walk you notice its easier than before.
That you haven't forgotten to ride a bike and that you only need to lube the chain.
It all makes sense once the gears are cleaned of the old factory grease and brought back with fresh new beginnings.

Been here a few weeks now

                More bored than a spider monkey in a box with nothing to climb. Moved to Charlottesville VA to go back to school at PVCC. A little back story, I was born in Ponca City Oklahoma but without remembering much the family moved to Chesterfield VA so the rents could better themselves in their careers. I graduated high school in 3 years to allow myself to pursue a dream of hiking the Appalachian trail with my father in 2010 (the 100th anniversary of Scouting) but that was killed for me by my own destruction of not training and having the young male mentality of being unbreakable. Next I tried the army, that didnt pan out for the same reason but separate body part. Moved into the city of Richmond for a few years, worked at a bike shop for a while, then back to cooking for the business I worked for in high school. Quit that job for the current job I hold at Whole Foods, also picked up working and riding 2stroke mopeds. This life was short lived for one with nothing better to do but work and drink, lets just say I am the type of person who cant just have one sip of whiskey. This led to dui that I have to say has been a huge turning point in my life as well as, dare I say it, the thing that might of saved my life.

               So where are we now? I moved to Charlottesville as planned, With nothing but my Douglas race bike, Kink bike co. bmx bike, new Chromebook, and a few of my worldly possessions. I have found many things to pass my time while waiting to start work here such as, riding, finding new music,  exploring the city that is new to me, eating healthier/ a diet that supports how much riding I am and will be doing. Save for one thing, my mental state has never been one that I have been too boastful of. Drinking was easy, helped me sleep, but I found most of all that it stopped that one thing I didnt not value as highly as I should, my relentlessly forever moving brain, yea that thing between my ears that have yet to heed direction or help. Save I've always been a pessimist, always seen the bad in people and situations, but by listening to music that I love and was introduced to by great people I started to pick something out and started to learn from it. I have since this revelation I have adopted a "PMA" mindset. I know basics about the origin, but I do not feel that it is a topic that you must understand where it comes from to be able to master it. Now I do not claim to be nor do I feel I will ever be able to be completely positive, but I have learned that if I have a negative thought I need to stop and think of alternatives. Keeping a positive mental attitude is one of the more difficult things I've forced on myself. So much that I needed a constant reminder on my wall to wake up to every morning, afternoon in some cases unfortunately, and take a deep breath and remind myself of its purpose. 

               It rained today, so I could not train as hard as I wanted to, but I did get a good breakfast of oatmeal with some brown sugar, a clif bar an hour or 2 later, and about to eat dinner consisting of chicken and sweet potato. I got about a 30 minute leg bases exercise in today with squats, lunges, wall sits, calf raises, nothing special just dont like sitting idle all the time watching Moped Army and building an e50 in my head for when i get my license back. This blog is more of a personal thing to get things out of my perpetually moving head, also to keep me from my lifelong habit of biting my nails which I have stopped doing but when something itches now i end up leaving it looking like Freddie Kruegers winning lottery ticket.