Saturday, December 21, 2013

Is escaping the past possible?

         Living in the present is not always the easiest thing, even though I have been absent from this blog while living my life, especially when your past haunts you with every new thought. I over analyze every little thing that crosses my path and the things that are still stuck to my shoe that I stepped in years ago. This is not a new thing, in fact this is one of the reasons i drowned myself in Whiskey every night, to escape the stupid and horrible things that I had convinced myself were okay to do because everyone else was and well because I couldnt think straight with a liter of liquor in me daily. Things from my past that I dont really remember doing pop into my head everynight before I go to bed and it is terrifying to me because I am not the same person anymore and do not want to relive experiences of a past life. However, in this life of sobriety that I have chosen, I have no other choice.

        I was asked this week to draw a picture of how my brain worked. At first i laughed and smiled and was like "yea, sure, Ill do that..." but then I got to thinking that it in fact is an interesting idea since I still have a shred of artistic ability left after these long years of avoiding drawing. So I started thinking, how does my head work? what would it look like if I described the way thoughts moved around in there and what the hell am I going to do about this. Well there is nothing I can do to make my head stop, well there is but I dont want to drink anymore, but I came up with something that actually describes the inner-workings of the thing between my ears. Imagine looking into a giant bucket and seeing a hundred different very hungry vicious fish all swimming around, splashing, jumping out of the water, and then there is an octopus just swimming along in the circle minding its own business. Everything is so hectic, frantic, busy, fierce, and continuous. I want to be that octopus, not giving a shit about the rest of them, content at doing my own thing and not thinking about the rest. I guess it makes more sense in my head than it does typed out which is funny because it is all in my head.

         Whatever, still sober, 227 days today, gotta buy a new bike because my wheels have pissed me off for the last time, weather is amazing, work is great, school is over and I got 5 A's and a B. gym has been kicking my ass, correction I have been kicking the gyms ass and am now up to 156lb's. feels good to look in the mirror and not see a guy who looks like he drinks for a living.

Have a Great Day! do something in this amazing weather, its 3 days from Christmas and 75 degrees, yea enjoy it!