Everyone else gets to do it, why cant I?

            I found myself tonight really wanting to find the bottle of a bottle. It was not that today was a hard day or anything just the I have a whole lot of things wound up in my head that I don't even know where to start unraveling it. I've got some family things in there somewhere that I want to bring up but I am afraid of who they might hurt if I ask, I've got concerns for one of my best friends who called me tonight (post wanting to getting drunk) after I got off of work. I decided not to get a bottle, and now its 12:04 so beer is out of the question even if it was an option. Beer does not seem like it would do it for me like a bottle of whiskey would. I think its the fact that I know I can not allow myself to drink that makes me want to, maybe some of that rebellious streak still kickin somewhere in me, who knows. I know that it would only help for the moment but that seems like a huge reward to me at the moment. I guess I just find myself asking the question of why not? and also the question of why? Why can so many people control their drinking and not slip into a hole that no one wants to help you out of because you've dug yourself down so far? Why not just say fuck it and go get a bottle and forget about life for a night? These thoughts never really crossed my mind when I had a milestone to reach, that 6 months was a huge step for me in the best direction I've been in for years and I guess this is when AA is really going to help me.

            I am trying to sit here and analyze the situation and what triggered it but nothing is working, I think I just want the thoughts to stop, I want that carefree feeling and I almost thought fora second today that I wanted to be that shithead I used to be. It is too late to call friends and talk to them about it and I don't think I could vocalize it the way I can let it out on here. I really just want to be out of my head, and the thought even just crossed my mind that the bar is still open and last call isn't for another hour but I cant. I have worked too hard to pick up and move, stay sober, go back to school, start a new job, deal with not having a car, and grow up and be a man about the money I owe and the people that I have hurt in my past. I like who I am now which I could not say truthfully 190 days ago. I think my family is finally proud of the path I am on, and I think Kari would be proud of the path I am walking.

           When friends or family would say something about my drinking and that I might be an alcoholic I would laugh it off and tell a joke. "whats the difference between and alcoholic and a drunk? an alcoholic goes to meetings." I thought about that a lot this week for some reason as well and I realized how it sounded to a sober person or anyone who has found help through meetings. I realized that it was not a joke at all but I was lying to myself about how bad my problem was. I don't think there are many people who know how bad of a problem I have with drinking, and I think even fewer people know how difficult it is for me to abstain from it, I think my family is in there least of all because I hide so much of the struggle from them to keep this image up and to not seem weak. If you know me at all you know that I loath asking for help, I think it is the biggest sign of weakness and that I am smart enough, or tough enough, or strong enough to figure out how to reach my goals on my own. I have had to break down and ask for help this year more so in the last 6 months that I have been sober than anytime that I can remember and I have not expressed how grateful I am for everything. I fear rejection, disappointing people who care or believe in me, failing, and falling without anyone to help me up. Yes, it is odd that I put that last fear in there when I despise asking for any help at all but I am afraid that the next time I "fall" no one will believe in me anymore, I will be rejected, and most of all I will disappoint anyone and everyone who cares about me.

           I apologize that this post is not positive and I have been thinking that the whole time that I have been writing it but there is only one positive spin that I can put on this whole post. Which is that even though I would like to be out of my mind, on the floor, belligerent right now, that I am at home, just cooked dinner(yes its late but I work night shifts), about to shower and go to bed so that I can wake up for class tomorrow, but most of all that I am sober for yet another day and that is good enough for me to feel positive about. Goodnight folks.